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ExChristian.Net Open Forums > Humor and Satire > One Liners
Posted by: Lokmer Apr 13 2004, 07:21 PM
One-liners are one of my favorite kinds of jokes, and I love collecting them. So, here's a thread to swap good one-liners. To start off with, here's one of my favorites:
If you smoke after having sex, you're doing it too fast.
-Lokmer
Posted by: chrome Apr 13 2004, 09:39 PM
My favorite is... You're a bad boy, go to my room.
But here are some others.
And Your Crybaby, Whiny-Assed Opinion Would Be...
Boys Will Do Boys
Condoms are easier to change than diapers.
Denial Is Not Just A River In Egypt.
Escape Reality Read Fiction.
Get Down Off That Cross We Need The Wood.
I’m Everything I Pretend To Be.
I pledge allegiance to the earth, one planet, many gods, and to the universe in which she spins.
I Think You're Cute But I Already Have A Dog.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
If you’re born again, do you have 2 belly buttons?
If You Took A Shit Here, Please Bring It Back...No Questions Asked.
If You Were My Lover We’d Be Home Right Now.
It’s your hell —you burn in it.
It is no longer fruitful to multiply.
Let Go Of My Ears I Know What I’m Doing.
Nice Pants, They’d Look Good On My Bedroom Floor.
Our Lady Of Intense, Throbbing, Agonizing Pain.
Recovering Cathaholic.
Thankyou for not being perky.
This Is A Give And Take Relationship, You Give It A Rest And I’ll Take A Break.
We Grease To Please.
What part of “get the hell away from me” don’t you understand?
Whatever Kind Of Look You Were Going For, You Missed.
You’re so ugly... we could put your face in dough and make monster cookies.
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your aquaintances will know you in a lifetime.
Posted by: sexkitten Apr 13 2004, 10:33 PM
QUOTE
My favorite is... You're a bad boy, go to my room.
Bad girl. No spanking.
Posted by: brick Apr 14 2004, 11:35 AM
-I don't suffer from insanity, I rather enjoy it!
-I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
-I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooowwwwwww!
-You're just jealous cuz the voices only talk to me.
-Quoting one is plagarism, quoting many is research.
-I'm not a complete idiot; some of my parts are missing.
-The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-I took an IQ test and the results came back negative.
-Consciousness; that uncomfortable time between naps.
-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
-Wrinkled wasn't one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
-Procrastinate Now!
-Rehab is for quitters
-My dog can lick anybody!
Posted by: Skankboy Apr 14 2004, 12:29 PM
- I do everything my Rice Crispies tell me to.
-I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.
-nice shoes...wanna fuck?
- I drank what? (last words of Socrates)
- And I care because...
QUOTE
-I don't suffer from insanity, I rather enjoy it!
ROFLMAO! I've GOT to find that on a bumper sticker!
Posted by: pitchu Apr 14 2004, 03:23 PM
This line, from Lily Tomlin's partner, Jane Wagner:
"No matter how cynical I get I can't keep up."
Posted by: Joshua Apr 14 2004, 07:16 PM
Hey, I resemble that remark!
Posted by: Joshua Apr 15 2004, 03:41 PM
You guys are forgetting the funniest one liners of all. I don't know, they make me laugh when I tell a Christian that I don't believe in God and they respond.
Your time will come.
I'll pray for you.
Who made you so angry.
When you die, you'll regret denying Jesus and ask for his forgiveness.
Eternity is a long time to be wrong.
Posted by: Lokmer Apr 15 2004, 04:50 PM
I promised myself I'd procrastinate later.
-Lokmer
Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 15 2004, 10:45 PM
Who peed in your Cheerios®?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never attribute malice to that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
All the easy problems have already been solved.
Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.
Kids in the front seat cause accidents—accidents in the back seat cause kids.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
And remember... The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Posted by: chrome Apr 15 2004, 10:58 PM
I like this one:
Don't mistake my silence for acceptance.
Posted by: fool_ps14:1 Apr 16 2004, 02:51 AM
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes and I had to eat him.
Why do they call Wednesday "hump day" when most people get laid on the weekends?
Aren't you the guy that the kids on the short bus picked on?
(on my mother-in-law's fridge magnet)
Who are these freaks, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
Posted by: TexasFreethinker Apr 16 2004, 06:18 AM
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Posted by: chrome Apr 16 2004, 08:03 PM
QUOTE (fool_ps14:1 @ Apr 16 2004, 03:51 AM)
(on my mother-in-law's fridge magnet)
Who are these freaks, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
Posted by: phoenix Apr 17 2004, 05:28 PM
this one's sorta funny, sorta derogatory:
who lit the fuse on YOUR tampon?
Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 20 2004, 01:07 PM
You know there're too many wizards in Middle-Earth when you here the tales of Jimbo the Muave.
Posted by: sexkitten Apr 20 2004, 01:16 PM
QUOTE (Emperor Norton II @ Apr 20 2004, 01:07 PM)
You know there're too many wizards in Middle-Earth when you here the tales of Jimbo the Muave.
Huh?
Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 20 2004, 01:30 PM
It's a Lord of the Rings joke...
Posted by: sexkitten Apr 20 2004, 01:39 PM
I knew that.
I'm just having the kind of day where I was raking my brain to try to remember if there actually was a Jimbo the Mauve in LOTR...
Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 20 2004, 01:49 PM
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Posted by: Pyrrhonist Apr 25 2004, 04:05 AM
Some interesting quotes from various people:
I was an Atheist till I found out I was God. Unknown
I'm no scarred of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
Man has learned to cope with all questions of importance without recourse to God as a working hypothesis.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906–1945), German pastor and theologian, June 8, 1944.
t's not an accident that when God became "man". He chose to be a male. There's no doubt that He could have chosen to be a woman if He'd wanted to.
Graham Leonard (1921– ), British churchman.
Arguing against women priests in the Church of England.
The Sunday Times (December 22, 1985).
God bless...God damn.
Attributed to: James Thurber (1894–1961), U.S. writer, cartoonist, and humorist.
Last words.
(1961).
God created Woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment—but many other things ceased as well! Woman was God's second blunder.
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844–1900), German philosopher and poet.
The Antichrist (1888).
Since God has given us the papacy, let us enjoy it.
Leo X (1475–1521), Italian pope.
Quoted in: Men of Art (Thomas Craven; 1933).
God is love, but get it in writing.
Attributed to: Gypsy Rose Lee (1914–1970), U.S. striptease artist.
God is the immemorial refuge of the incompetent, the helpless, the miserable. They find not only sanctuary in His arms, but also a kind of superiority, soothing to their macerated egos; He will set them above their betters.
H. L. Mencken (1880–1956), U.S. journalist and editor.
Notebooks "Minority Report" (1956).
God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows through.
Paul Valéry (1871–1945), French poet and philosopher.
Mauvaises pensées et autres (1942).
God, we're told, works in mysterious ways
And that may be the reason why Man strays.
Pyrrhonist
Faith is that which we hold on to
when reason tells us that it isn't true.
Pyrrhonist
Posted by: JosephofMessiah Apr 26 2004, 01:16 PM
QUOTE (chrome @ Apr 15 2004, 10:58 PM)
I like this one:
Don't mistake my silence for acceptance.
I like a small change to that one...
"Don't mistake my silencer as acceptance."
Posted by: JosephofMessiah Apr 26 2004, 01:45 PM
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
(I think the one above is my fav...)
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
(No, wait, this one might be my favorite...)
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
(Applies to Fundies...)
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
[I laughed out loud at that one.]
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
--------
What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.
What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.
------
A lady said to Churchill, "if you were my husband I would put poison in your tea."
Churchill replied, "Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
-----
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
(Most of these collected using a google search...)
Posted by: Judyism Apr 26 2004, 06:52 PM
QUOTE (phoenix @ Apr 17 2004, 08:28 PM)
this one's sorta funny, sorta derogatory:
who lit the fuse on YOUR tampon?
Ha! I didn't think anyone else used that one.... we just printed a bunch of decals that say that.
Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 26 2004, 11:49 PM
QUOTE (Joseph)
A lady said to Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea!"
Churchill replied, "Madame, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Man, Winston Churchill is my hero!
Posted by: sexkitten Apr 27 2004, 10:36 AM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that get binary, and those that don't.
Remember my name....You will be screaming it by morning
I am so good....I scream out my own name while having sex
I don’t drink coffee for the taste. I drink it because it’s the only drug they allow you to use in an office.
Posted by: fool_ps14:1 Apr 29 2004, 08:28 PM
QUOTE
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that get binary, and those that don't.
if you got this one, you are a geek
i got it....
Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 30 2004, 11:34 AM
QUOTE (fool_ps14:1 @ Apr 29 2004, 08:28 PM)
QUOTE
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that get binary, and those that don't.
if you got this one, you are a geek
i got it....
*blush*
I'm a geek...
Posted by: woodsmoke May 1 2004, 12:29 AM
No fair! I'm a geek, but I didn't get it.
I feel so ashamed of myself right now.
Posted by: sexkitten May 1 2004, 09:36 AM
QUOTE (woodsmoke @ May 1 2004, 12:29 AM)
No fair! I'm a geek, but I didn't get it.
Then how dare you call yourself a geek!
Pssssttt....10 is binary for 2
Posted by: chrome May 1 2004, 05:01 PM
These are funny, the comments they add are great as well.
http://www.shirtfreaks.com/index.htm
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