The Doctor Seuss poem was wonderful! A thing of beauty, indeed! Whitman would have been proud.
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| Open Forums for ExChristian.Net > Humor and Satire > Kill My Wife? |
| Posted by: Reach Dec 10 2004, 10:41 AM |
| From http://www.killmywife.com/ Um. Ok. We've been at this a while. We've been "researching". You know, we got the dot com urge. We were going to make MILLION$. We haven't made any money yet, but we've spent a ton on hosting fees and spent a bunch of time explaining ourselves to the police. Somehow, they don't seem to get our humor. So before we get arrested (again), we need to clear a few things up. (If you really love us you'll keep comming back, send us suggestions and buy our tee-shirts. More on that later.) 1) We will NOT kill your wife for you!! While other internet companies have been able to get away with certain activities of questionable legality for quite some time, the law does catch up with them eventually. The penalties for murder being what they are, we decided that we shouldn't try this. Not that there isn't a tremendous demand for the service, as evidenced by just a few of the email's we've received: I really wish you guys would get this site up....I am running out of ideas and nothing has worked yet...I NEED HELP!!! Any recommendations would be GREATLY APPRECIATED ASAP. Descrete, Life Ins., & Get aways readily available OOOOOOHHHHHHH YYYEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DO I SIGN UP?????!!!!!!!! We met at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport and you mentioned you could help me in my endeavors. Well I am now calling on your expertise. I need to know a soft, quiet, inexpensive way to accomplish what we were discussing. (We don't know who this person is, and we wonder just who they did meet at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport) Her names Melanie... How much? 2) We will NOT kill your wife for you!!! We know - the bitch needs to die. We understand. Believe us, we've been there. Oh, god have we been there. And while we're on the subjuct we should point out that it applies even more to ex-wives. But somebody got that name before us. Hopefully they will do something clever with it (like offer it to us to take over). Anyway, we are here to offer relief. Not permanant relief, but relief nonetheless. And we will listen patiently to your gripes, complaints and general bitching, such as the following: I'm sitting at the car dealer - it's 7:30 and we were supposed to go together at 6:30. I tried calling her cellphone and workphone, but couldn't reach her. She called me once in the past hour to tell me she was waiting - I had meanwhile gone up on my own to save her time. Of course her work number didn't pick-up (it rolls-over after 6:30) and her cellphone didn't work (her battery is dead since she never charges it). So - I've wasted an hour of my life waiting for her; she's finally on her way after she thought to finally try me again. She says it's just as much my fault - I told her she had said there was no way she could be in the building after 6:30, so why would I work late tonight? Just the usual problems - poor communication, no back-up plan, and I get shit for it! I WANT TO KILL MY WIFE! Now, can you see how lucky this poor fellow's co-worker were? How many times have they had to listen to this stuff? This time, we listened instead. You see, relief!! Thats what we're here for. And you can send your gripes, etc. to us at webmaster@killmywife.com. You're co-workers will thank you. Just remember that when you send it to us, its ours. And we may choose to air you dirty laundry here so that others may find relief too. 3) We will NOT kill your wife for you!! We are not professional hit men. Shit, we're not even professional web designers. Well, yes we are. Sort of. (email us if you're interested) But we are absolutely not professional hit men. We're not even amateur hit men. We're not even men (all of us). We don't even encourage you to kill your wife. Hopefully, after a bit more research, we will determine if it is safe for us to encourage you to do anything, legally speaking. In the meantime, we encourage you to continue to send us your comments, complains, and suggestions to webmaster@killmywife.com. Remembering of course that 1) what you send us becomes ours and we may use it, and 2) WE WILL NOT KILL YOUR WIFE FOR YOU. Ok, you can even send us naked pictures of her blubbery fat butt, too, if you want. We're here to help... Dont worry, More is comming. We know you need it. Oh, we almost forgot. We've had a bunch of inquiries and we ARE working on tee-shirts. We'll let you know when they're ready. Other funny stuff about killing wives (If you are a wife, you may not find this so funny!) http://www.killmywife.com/OJ.html |
| Posted by: Loren Dec 10 2004, 07:34 PM |
| Dear friends, Reach has lost it. Actually, she posted this for one of our friends who was having one of those "kill your wife" days. Reach has not, I repeat, NOT lost it. We now return you to your regular rants. |
| Posted by: Loren Dec 10 2004, 07:37 PM |
| The Doctor Seuss poem was wonderful! A thing of beauty, indeed! Whitman would have been proud. |
| Posted by: Casey Dec 10 2004, 08:05 PM | ||
Y'know, I remember a classic advertising bungle from the early days of electricity in my country. Some power company ran an ad which read:
Pardon the intrusion guys, but I simply couldn't resist! Casey |
| Posted by: Fweethawt Dec 10 2004, 10:07 PM | ||
Thank you, Loren, for clearing that up for us...  The first thing I thought while reading this was, what in the world is Reach reading this stuff for?  Now that I know that she was looking it up for someone else, I feel slightly comforted now.  Slightly...  |
| Posted by: Reach Dec 12 2004, 01:25 PM | ||
Some of the members here have marriages which could be classified as... um... to put it nicely, miserable. One of our friends, at the moment particularly tortured and troubled by his monstrosity of a "union," needed some cheering up. I simply googled "kill your spouse humor." Are we straight now, Buddy™?  |
| Posted by: sexkitten Dec 12 2004, 07:54 PM | ||
I knew Reach had to be looking this up for someone else. I mean, geez, its kind of obvious. She doesn't have a wife. |
| Posted by: Fweethawt Dec 13 2004, 12:19 AM | ||
Yeah, we're straight now. |
| Posted by: Fweethawt Dec 13 2004, 12:27 AM | ||||
<<<thinks about spanking Kitty for her smart-assery>>> <<<realizes that she would probably like it>>> <<<goes off to think of another type of punishment for her smart-assery>>> |
| Posted by: Reach Dec 13 2004, 04:30 AM | ||||
 So that's what I'm missing!?! |
| Posted by: Lokmer Dec 13 2004, 05:10 AM |
| I knew you'd figure it out someday! -Lokmer |