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| Open Forums for ExChristian.Net > Almost Anything Goes > "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 14 2004, 07:45 PM | ||||||
| Some of you may have heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Contest to find the most atrocious, most hackneyed, most horrific opening lines to the worst novels never created. I picked up a copy of the second compilation of entrys for 1986 in a used book store yesterday and I think we should hold our own contest. After all, it takes great skill to write with no skill. To get us thinking, here's some of my favorites:
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| Posted by: Diogenes Nov 14 2004, 08:22 PM |
| It was the best of times... Yes, it really was the best of times, I'm not just saying that. |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 14 2004, 09:01 PM |
| Camella Melanie Emily Cameron sighed gustily as she listened to the wind blow across the heath, her white brow slightly wrinkled like a pair of pants thrown on the laundry room floor as she pondered the question that had plagued her with thousands of sleepless nights every since she was but a child; how the hell did they get the caramel into Caramilk Bars? |
| Posted by: rainyday8169 Nov 15 2004, 07:18 AM |
| As she started to slip her right foot into the left leg of her jeans, Cindy Lou noticed something missing, she went to the kitchen, got a carving knife, walked down the hall, stopped at little Jimmy's bedroom door and aked herself "what is the the true meaning of opposite day?" |
| Posted by: nivek Nov 15 2004, 07:19 AM |
| Fred, preparing to plung the scalpel deep into her leg, his eBay Doctorate freshly delivered and hung on his office wall, looked over at the clock, seeing The Simpsons were almost on, elected to finish and close all too quickly... |
| Posted by: Reach Nov 15 2004, 07:28 AM |
| http://www.brownielocks.com/MURDER2.html |
| Posted by: Guest Nov 15 2004, 08:43 AM |
| It wasn't the beginning of the end, nor the end of the beginning. More like the beginning of the end of the end of the end of the beginning of the end. Though some said the beginning of the beginning of the end of the end of the beginning of the end. |
| Posted by: Reach Nov 15 2004, 09:05 AM |
| The 2004 winner... She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon. Dave Zobel Manhattan Beach, CA |
| Posted by: Emanuel Goldstein II Nov 15 2004, 10:11 AM |
| Reach is a whore who betrayed everyone around her. Who would listen to this traitor? She betrayed her previous beliefs, she will eventually betray you all as she leads you to hell! |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 15 2004, 10:13 AM |
| Congrats Manny! That is undoubtedly the worst bit of crap ever put into sentence formation I have ever seen! No one will be able to top such drek. You obviously have a talent for writing pure shit. Keep up the good work! |
| Posted by: Emanuel Goldstein II Nov 15 2004, 10:14 AM |
| Up your ass, devil from hell! |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 15 2004, 10:20 AM |
| Please keep your shit in the outhouse. Or aren't you potty trained yet? |
| Posted by: Emanuel Goldstein II Nov 15 2004, 10:22 AM |
| Do you come when the devil enters you? |
| Posted by: rainyday8169 Nov 15 2004, 10:45 AM |
| Do you cum when the devil enters you?????  |
| Posted by: notblindedbytheblight Nov 15 2004, 01:57 PM | ||
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| Posted by: LloydDobler Nov 15 2004, 08:42 PM |
| Oh come on, everyone knows the devil takes care of himself and pulls out leaving you unsatisfied! He hates all mankind, remember? |
| Posted by: Ro-bear Nov 17 2004, 05:58 PM | ||
That reminds me of a bad joke: Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest, on her way to visit her sick grandmother. All of a sudden, a big bad wolf leaps out from behind a tree, and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to fuck you!" To which the girl replied, "No you're not, you son of a bitch! You're going to eat me like it says in the story!" Umm...sorry. |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 17 2004, 11:07 PM |
| You know, the original Little Red Riding Hood had Red doing a strip tease for the Big Bad Wolf.... |
| Posted by: MonkeyBoy Nov 18 2004, 04:52 PM | ||
Lead on, Reach. Lead on. Ok, here's my attempt: Gene Ray slipped on his leather corset and prepared the lube with delight. Manny was tied to the bed, hand and foot taunt; his flesh as well as his miniscule man-gina lay yielding. Hoping. Waiting. |
| Posted by: nivek Nov 21 2004, 10:16 AM |
| Mannie, waiting with bated breath and lubed mangina worried that his shave job had left too much back hair for his Master's tastes tried the bonds which compelled his obedience. While struggling against the leather restraints that kissed his delicate skin Mannie chafed his ankles and had begun to bleed, leaving his bedding soaked with sweat and blood prior to his man-loving. |
| Posted by: Cerise Nov 21 2004, 01:37 PM |
| mangina?! mangina?! |
| Posted by: LloydDobler Nov 24 2004, 04:26 PM |
| hehe MonkeyBoy is fitting right in. Kudos bro. |