I wonder what, on earth, he can possibly be thinking...
I wonder if Java might be available for...
What do we do now?
The preachers will be back on the street corners within the hour.
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| Printable Version of Topic Click here to view this topic in its original format ExChristian.Net Open Forums > Rants & Replies > Imperial Decree Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 11 2004, 09:43 PM Whereas, the Republic of The United States, returned to its republic roots, has fallen into corruption after the reign of Emperor Norton the First, and Whereas, the government of this Republic no longer acts for the benefit of the people it rules, but for the elite among the population, and Whereas, the United States have further and further reduced the rights and freedoms of the peoples of this nation, and Whereas, the United States have become a fascist state much like the Axis of Evil it despises so much, therefore On this, the Twelth day of March, in the year two thousand and four, I hereby declare myself Norton the Second, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. My First Declaration as Emperor is to remove President George W Bush from his office, and his Cabinet, and to disband their offices, as their purpose is fulfilled by the Emperor. My Second Declaration as Emperor is to set up an Imperial Treasury, for the support of the Emperor and the Empire, currently consisting of $46.24. All citizens in the Empire of the United States are requested to send money in its support to 1506 Kentucky Avenue, New Castle, Indiana 47362, to help support the Empire and its citizens. To remove the threat of corruption, it is hereby established that the least amount of $50,000 or 80% of the Imperial Treasury may be spent by the Emperor to continue daily life- all other expenditures of the Imperial Treasury must be made for the benefit of the Empire, which shall increase only at the rate of inflation. My Third Declaration as Emperor is to declare the Cult of the Mighty and Awful Snow Daemons as the official state religion, although no efforts shall be made to establish it by ill means through the population, either by force or through propoganda. All meetings to discuss new declarations shall be opened with a prayer to the Mighty and Awful Snow Daemons by their Prophet. This position will be reserved for the Emperor until such times as a second Prophet shall be appointed in his place. My Fourth Declaration as Emperor is to repeal the Patriot Act, and all legislation that similarly conflicts with the personal freedoms of the Citizens of the Empire of the United States. These false legeslative acts shall be repealed as they are made. My Fifth Declaration as Emperor is to announce an Imperial Design to return to the Enlightenment roots the United States of America was founded in. A movement shall be started to encourage teachers to teach through the Socratic Method, in order that the people of this Empire may be able, once again, to rule themselves fairly and equally. Posted by: Doug2 Apr 11 2004, 10:13 PM Emperor: My tribe will stand behind you, only if the following four amendments are made: 1. Declaration the third shall be removed as a whole. We find this declaration to be made null by the fifth and ultimate declaration. Additionally, we see such a declaration as an open door for theocratic government. 2. The remaining 20% of the Imperial treasury shall by rendered to Doug the Winged. 3. Bush's brain shall be donated to science. Hopefully science can find a cure for whatever illness he has. 4. All powers of the Norton shall be limited to the ceremonial. All actual power shall be in the hands of Doug the Winged. Doug the Winged and his chosen predecessor may amend any declarations, decrees or laws as geck feels necessary. Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 11 2004, 10:23 PM It is assured by the Prophet of the Mighty and Awful Snow Daemons that theocracy would be abominable in the eyes of the Mighty and Awful Snow Daemons. Furthermore, that Cult will have only ceremonial duties within the Empire. Posted by: Matthew Apr 11 2004, 10:44 PM QUOTE (Doug2 @ Apr 12 2004, 01:13 AM) 3. Bush's brain shall be donated to science. Hopefully science can find a cure for whatever illness he has. Perhaps we can compare and contrast it with Einstein's brain. Anyone want to guess what the results might be? Matthew Posted by: SpaceFalcon2001 Apr 11 2004, 10:51 PM QUOTE (Matthew @ Apr 12 2004, 02:44 AM) QUOTE (Doug2 @ Apr 12 2004, 01:13 AM) 3. Bush's brain shall be donated to science. Hopefully science can find a cure for whatever illness he has. Perhaps we can compare and contrast it with Einstein's brain. Anyone want to guess what the results might be? Now that's not a fair scale! How can you compare a Pea to a Matzah Ball? Posted by: Doug2 Apr 11 2004, 11:03 PM Matthew, when did you become a hot female? Is that the chick from fox? I thought she was the great satan? Posted by: Doug2 Apr 12 2004, 02:52 PM Bahaha! You actually got webmaster to change your name! Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 12 2004, 03:26 PM Sweetness. I have no problem serving underneath you--provided that I get to be Thief. Posted by: I Broke Free Apr 12 2004, 04:41 PM For those of you unfamiliar with the original Emperor Norton of San Francisco, I created a link below. It is a tale that could only happen in San Francisco. A man loses all his money and goes mad. He proclaims himself Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. The whole City goes along with him and allow him anywhere in the City for free. His own money was printed up and it was recognized by local merchants. When he died the whole City threw a huge memorial service for him. Only in San Francisco. (I do you miss you so) http://www.sfmuseum.org/hist1/norton.html The lucky inhabitants of San Francisco refer to their city as The City (Capitalized) as if there were no other. Posted by: sexkitten Apr 12 2004, 04:50 PM San Francisco definitely rocks. Posted by: brick Apr 13 2004, 05:21 AM Is this what happens when I remind people of the Calvin and Hobbes theme; Supreme Dictator for Life? OK, I'll go along with it. Can I have a highly paid cabinet position? Posted by: sexkitten Apr 13 2004, 07:38 AM QUOTE (SpaceFalcon2001 @ Apr 11 2004, 10:51 PM) QUOTE (Matthew @ Apr 12 2004, 02:44 AM) QUOTE (Doug2 @ Apr 12 2004, 01:13 AM) 3. Bush's brain shall be donated to science. Hopefully science can find a cure for whatever illness he has. Perhaps we can compare and contrast it with Einstein's brain. Anyone want to guess what the results might be? Now that's not a fair scale! How can you compare a Pea to a Matzah Ball? Matzoh balls are yummy in chicken broth. Peas, not so much. Yup. No comparison. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 14 2004, 12:31 AM [Fweethawt's post deleted by Moderator Woodsmoke] There now. That should take care of that! Let that be a lesson to all of those who oppose Emperor Norton II! -Woody Posted by: Doug2 Apr 14 2004, 01:43 AM OK Woody and Fwee, what is going on here? Posted by: Skankboy Apr 14 2004, 04:41 AM Oh mighty Emporer Norton! I bring a gift of new fallen leaves for the Snow Demons and this life size replica of the White Mage for your pleasure! So... can I join the club? Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 14 2004, 09:49 AM Of course, Skankboy, all who live in the Empire of the United States are my loyal subjects. Posted by: Skankboy Apr 14 2004, 09:58 AM My liege... Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 14 2004, 04:33 PM That's it, where my mouse traps? Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 14 2004, 07:12 PM QUOTE (Fweethawt @ Apr 14 2004, 04:31 AM) [Fweethawt's post deleted by Moderator Woodsmoke] There now. That should take care of that! Let that be a lesson to all of those who oppose Emperor Norton II! -Woody UM.......Woody? Would you care to explain this one? Is there no free-speech in the new empire? And just what is this talk about mouse traps? You leave my meeces alone! You already wiped out my post. Those little guys didn't do anything to you. Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 14 2004, 07:20 PM My Sixth Decree as Emperor is that free speech shall not be limited by those in power, nay, it should be encouraged. A benevolent government has nothing to fear from knowledge and truth, and thus, the Empire of the United States shall in no way limit, or condone the limiting, or free speech, so far as it does not bring about intentional harm to other people. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 14 2004, 07:45 PM QUOTE (Emperor Norton II @ Apr 14 2004, 11:20 PM) My Sixth Decree as Emperor is that free speech shall not be limited by those in power, nay, it should be encouraged. A benevolent government has nothing to fear from knowledge and truth, and thus, the Empire of the United States shall in no way limit, or condone the limiting, or free speech, so far as it does not bring about intentional harm to other people. And there you have it Woody! Right from the Emperor's mou.... I mean, fingers! I'm not going to repost what Woody deleted. I'll leave that up to him. Once he does this, I expect an apology to be included. Woody, I'm waiting! Posted by: fortunehooks Apr 14 2004, 07:57 PM emperor norton II,it is a honor to finally read the words of your ideas for this government. emperor,you seem to be a reasonable guy,so until further notice i as leader of a few insurgents shall take up the action of peacekeeping. Posted by: BlueGiant Apr 15 2004, 02:40 PM The tribes of the gamers, D&Ders, Shadowrunners, Leeches, Fuzzies, and the like shall follow you should you provide them with but the following. Good table and lounge space. Cool-looking dice. Munchies. but the most important thing in ensuring this loyalty is what follows: Sex and Beer!!! (any Pat McCurdy fans out there?) Do this and the Gamers, nay the bulk of Geekdom, will back you. Wow, that was geeky, even for me. Posted by: chefranden Apr 15 2004, 03:04 PM Your Majesty, Every since as a youngster after I first heard the hit song Duke of Earl, I have wanted to be a Duke. I would just like to get my dibs in on being Duke of Wisconsin, when you get around to making these sorts of appointments. Since I know all the lyrics to the song, I feel that I am well qualified to be the Duke of Wisconsin. Your humble cook, chef Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 15 2004, 06:04 PM Wow, that was beautiful BG. I heartily agree! As for Fwee..... I'll deal with you in due course. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 15 2004, 08:29 PM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 15 2004, 10:04 PM) As for Fwee..... I'll deal with you in due course. First, it was my post. Then, it was my meeces. Now, you're directing threats toward me. What next Woody? Are you going to threaten my family too? Emperor, I do believe that you have quite a loose cannon working under you. May I recommend his expulsion from the empire? You really don't need this kind of trouble you know. Posted by: SpaceFalcon2001 Apr 15 2004, 08:46 PM Hey emperor, get on that amendment to stop picking on the Jews. If you can do that sucessfully you'll be the second emperor (for a while) to be nice to them! The only other emperor who did recently that was Napolean. Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 15 2004, 09:00 PM I don't believe Emperor Norton the First hated Jews, either. Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 16 2004, 08:34 AM Woodsmoke, according the Sixth Decree, you need to place Fwee's original post that you deleted back on. All knowledge should be free to all- it's morally foul that you're doing this. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 16 2004, 06:57 PM QUOTE (Emperor Norton II @ Apr 16 2004, 12:34 PM) Woodsmoke, according the Sixth Decree, you need to place Fwee's original post that you deleted back on. All knowledge should be free to all- it's morally foul that you're doing this. Thank you very much Emperor Norton II! I agree with you completely. Your time is up Woody! Put it back! You don't want the Emperor to take this further than it has to go, do you? Just keep in mind that I keep a separate record of every post that I make. If you don't put the exact post back, I will expose you in such a way as to make Kodak proud! Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 16 2004, 07:12 PM Well, Fwee, if you insist.... But I don't think Dave will take it very kindly what you said about cripples. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 16 2004, 07:24 PM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 16 2004, 11:12 PM) Well, Fwee, if you insist.... But I don't think Dave will take it very kindly what you said about cripples. *CLICK-BZZZZT!* Posted by: Libertus Apr 16 2004, 08:22 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Response to the Decree of His Majesty, Norton II, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. As the self-appointed Archduke of the Southeast, I shall hereby voice my support for His Majesty, Norton II, by all subjects residing in the Southeastern Duchy of this fine realm. Given the freedoms guaranteed by His Majesty by Imperial Decree, Tradition and His Majesty's obvious love for the freedom of his subjects, the local Imperial Government of the Southeast Duchy, to include all sub-governments of the Imperial States of Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina and Virginia (Virginia being annexed from the Mid-Atlantic Duchy) all stand behind the Imperial government, and will, at the discretion of myself, obey all Decrees issued by His Majesty. Furthermore, all taxes and funds for the Empire from subjects of the Southeastern Duchy shall be directed to the Archduke, in order to maintain the residence and well-being of the Archduke, the operations of the Duchy and all services provided to the Emperor's subjects residing therein. I, and all subjects residing in my Duchy, do hereby congratulate His Majesty on his accession to the Royal Seat of the United States and Mexico, and furthermore do hereby affirm our allegiance to the well-being of the Emperor and the Empire. The freedom of conscience and thought shall be upheld in the name of His Majesty to the utmost throughout this great piece of a great Empire. Signed this 16th Day of April in the 2004th Year of the Common Era HRH Prince Xpen, Archduke of the Southeast Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 16 2004, 08:24 PM DANG X! That was good! Posted by: Libertus Apr 16 2004, 08:47 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Thank you Lord Fwee! I appreciate your support, and I sincerely hope that His Majesty receives my reply with such a positive perspective as you, my good Sir. Prince Xpen Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 16 2004, 08:53 PM QUOTE Skankboy : Oh mighty Emporer Norton! I bring a gift of new fallen leaves for the Snow Demons and this life size replica of the White Mage for your pleasure! So... can I join the club? I'm involuntarily being given away... Oh well. If it's for Emporer Norton, why would I refuse? So Emporer, do I get to be a duke or something cool like that? You know you want to appoint me to an office... Posted by: Libertus Apr 16 2004, 08:54 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Your Majesty, If I may beseech you one last time, as but one of your loyal Archdukes, and the only one currently in existence, may I levy my support for the Imperial Appointment of Lord Chef as Duke of the Imperial State of Wisconsin. What better qualification than that of a Certified Culinary Master, to rule over His Majesty's Dairy State. Wisconsin may not reside in my Duchy, but I feel that His Majesty would be hard pressed to find a better Imperial representative for this great, cold Imperial State. In all humility before Your Majesty, Prince Xpen Posted by: Reach Apr 16 2004, 09:00 PM QUOTE (xpen @ Apr 16 2004, 11:22 PM) FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Signed this 16th Day of April in the 2004th Year of the Common Era HRH Prince Xpen, Archduke of the Southeast Princess Reach is of the House of Xpen. An undivided House. Pure Royalty™ Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 16 2004, 09:10 PM QUOTE (xpen @ Apr 17 2004, 12:47 AM) FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Thank you Lord Fwee! I appreciate your support, and I sincerely hope that His Majesty receives my reply with such a positive perspective as you, my good Sir. Prince Xpen Oh He will, don't you worry! He's a pretty good guy. It's that sneaky little Woodsmoke guy that you need to be worried about! Oh, and uh, please don't call me Lord. Posted by: Libertus Apr 16 2004, 09:13 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Shall I more rightly call you Sir Fwee of Wherever [You] Happen To Be? Prince Xpen Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 16 2004, 09:14 PM In compliance with the recommendation from my Royal Vizeer, I accept the vassalage of Prince Xpen and his line. It is also favorable to appoint unto Chefranden, and all his descendents, the Title of Duke of Wisconsin. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 16 2004, 09:16 PM QUOTE (xpen @ Apr 17 2004, 01:13 AM) FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Shall I more rightly call you Sir Fwee of Wherever [You] Happen To Be? Prince Xpen That's fine. Thank you good sir. I will go by the name, Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen To Be. That does have a nice sound to it, doesn't it X? Posted by: Libertus Apr 16 2004, 09:18 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST I humbly thank Your Majesty for your acceptance and vow to serve the Empire henceforth under Your Imperial authority. I bid you adieu until I shall transcribe further communications on Imperial Business. May Medical Science save the Emperor! Prince Xpen Posted by: Loren Apr 16 2004, 09:24 PM QUOTE (Doug2 @ Apr 11 2004, 10:13 PM) 3. Bush's brain shall be donated to science. Hopefully science can find a cure for whatever illness he has. Mad Cowboy Disease. (Bighat Spongiform Encephalitis.) Posted by: Loren Apr 16 2004, 09:47 PM The Right Honorable Loren, Interspecies and Transdimensional Freelance Ambassador greets with joy and pays homage to H.M. Norton II. The Embassador anticipates great satisfaction in dealing for once with a human potentate who is so remarkably and atypically sane. HAIL NORTON II! LONG LIVE THE EMPEROR! May the Mighty and Aweful Snow Daemons (who are actually a quite nice bunch of guys, and great fun at a party) smile on the United States and Mexico! Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 16 2004, 11:03 PM As the Royal Vizier, I stand completely behind the decrees of Emporer Norton II. I shall also request that the emporer name a new disease "Mad Cowboy Disease" in honor of the idiot president whom he usurped. From the desk of the Royal Vizier Alexy_Lady; hereby signed and noted. (by the way, if anyone wants one of these with their title on it, let me know. Please do not replicate on your own as this is my creation and as Royal Vizier I have made it my job to distribute them.) Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 16 2004, 11:45 PM Hey now, Herr Bush is no more a cowboy than Bill Gates! That's a grave insult to range riders everywhere, and I tell you we won't stand for it! Provided that you substitute for "cowboy" something relating to sheep, you've got our full support. Damn sheep farmers anyway. This is cattle country. Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 16 2004, 11:50 PM QUOTE (Fweethawt @ Apr 16 2004, 09:24 PM) *CLICK-BZZZZT!* Man, it's a good thing I keep that smite button handy. Aunt Reach would have been positively scandalized by that post. Posted by: sexkitten Apr 17 2004, 03:26 AM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 16 2004, 11:45 PM) Provided that you substitute for "cowboy" something relating to sheep, you've got our full support. Damn sheep farmers anyway. This is cattle country. And sheep are yummy. Especially with garlic, rosemary, and mint... Mmmm.... Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 17 2004, 09:27 AM I shall find something new to add instead of cowboy, but as of the moment, I have a picnic to prepare for... so I'll do it later. Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 17 2004, 08:12 PM Hehehe, our new Emperor is such a stud. Posted by: Libertus Apr 18 2004, 07:37 AM QUOTE (reach @ Apr 16 2004, 09:00 PM) QUOTE (xpen @ Apr 16 2004, 11:22 PM) FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Signed this 16th Day of April in the 2004th Year of the Common Era HRH Prince Xpen, Archduke of the Southeast Princess Reach is of the House of Xpen. An undivided House. Pure Royalty™ FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST By the authority vested in me by His Imperial Majesty as Archduke of the Southeast, I hereby appoint Princess Reach as Duchess of the Imperial State of Georgia. May she protect her people in the name of the Archduke and His Imperial Majesty, Norton II. Long live the Emperor! Signed this 18th Day of April in the 2004th Year of the Common Era Prince Xpen Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 18 2004, 07:52 AM QUOTE (by the way, if anyone wants one of these with their title on it, let me know. Please do not replicate on your own as this is my creation and as Royal Vizier I have made it my job to distribute them.) That... and I was bored. Still am bored, actually. Who wants one? QUOTE Provided that you substitute for "cowboy" something relating to sheep, you've got our full support. Damn sheep farmers anyway. This is cattle country. Any suggestions? Suggestions are always welcome in Emperor Norton II's ...erm... Empire. Posted by: Loren Apr 18 2004, 12:34 PM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 16 2004, 11:45 PM) Hey now, Herr Bush is no more a cowboy than Bill Gates! That's a grave insult to range riders everywhere, and I tell you we won't stand for it! Provided that you substitute for "cowboy" something relating to sheep, you've got our full support. Damn sheep farmers anyway. This is cattle country. Now, Woody, don't be so hasty! Your point about W not being a real cowboy is certainly valid and true, but after all, he's not a real President either, yet we still call him that. I think Mad Cowboy Disease is a good name for it. Molly Ivins says that real Texans have a phrase for people like W: "All hat, no cattle." Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 18 2004, 08:34 PM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 17 2004, 03:50 AM) QUOTE (Fweethawt @ Apr 16 2004, 09:24 PM) *CLICK-BZZZZT!* Man, it's a good thing I keep that smite button handy. Aunt Reach would have been positively scandalized by that post. Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 19 2004, 12:55 AM Good point, Loren. That seems like an acceptable answer. I'm still tryin' to come up with a nifty title o' my own for whatever spot I end up filling in the empire. I think it'll be more healthy to hold off until I can get outta' this damn beehive state, though. .....That gives me an idea. I move we erect a containment wall around Utah to prevent their stupidity from spreading--keeping the goods (Kennecot copper mines, salt production from the Great Salt Lake, etc.) for ourselves, of course . We should probably do a sweep through Idaho to remove the tainted from that area, as well--that way we get to keep the 'taters. Posted by: Reach Apr 19 2004, 03:51 PM QUOTE (xpen @ Apr 18 2004, 10:37 AM) FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST By the authority vested in me by His Imperial Majesty as Archduke of the Southeast, I hereby appoint Princess Reach as Duchess of the Imperial State of Georgia. May she protect her people in the name of the Archduke and His Imperial Majesty, Norton II. Long live the Emperor! Signed this 18th Day of April in the 2004th Year of the Common Era Prince Xpen Archduke of the Southeast, HRH Prince Xpen, My dearest Archduke, it is with deepest humility and grave trepidation that I accept this great honor you have bestowed upon me, appointing me as Duchess of the Imperial State of Georgia. Secondly, I most soberly recognize that by doing so you are also granting to my control His Majesty's Royal Naval Atlanta Fleet, domiciled at the great Port of Savannah, in my jurisdiction. I vow to always be most faithful in the special attention I would afford one of our greatest forces in all of our history, our own Bloody Navy. I will write to you later this afternoon but I apologize for an abrupt closure to this correspondence at this time. I'm hearing some rumbles through our Port in Savannah concerning some odd Naval activities and I must lay this note aside to consider some recent dispatch just arrived. How I miss those days of our youth when we were free to play and romp around the gardens and the estate and we had not a care in the world other than what game to play next. At the moment even the azaleas and the dogwoods are all in bloom. Most humbly and graciously, at your service and long live the Emperor! Princess Reach House of Xpen Duchess of the Imperial State of Georgia Protectorate of His Majesty's Royal Naval Atlanta Fleet, Savannah Posted by: chefranden Apr 19 2004, 04:14 PM QUOTE (Emperor Norton II @ Apr 16 2004, 11:14 PM) In compliance with the recommendation from my Royal Vizeer, I accept the vassalage of Prince Xpen and his line. It is also favorable to appoint unto Chefranden, and all his descendents, the Title of Duke of Wisconsin. Your Grace, Thank you so much for your everlasting kindness. I shall see to it that you get plenty of gormet cheese to adorn your table with. chef Duke of Wisconsin Posted by: Lokmer Apr 19 2004, 04:40 PM >>Meanwhile, back in Georgia, Vice Admiral Lokmer of the Atlanta Fleet rushes in the door with an air of poised urgency and shouts above the din<< Excuse me your Grace.... >>everyone quiets down as Lokmer produces a battered piece of paper<< This dispatch was intercepted by Her Grace's agents out of Murietta. The courier was in a tragic accident - his limosine collided with a shipment of new creation science textbooks being delivered to the county seat. The Supreme Admiral requested that I bring it here to you and read it post-haste. There have been some disturbing developments at Savannah. >>Lokmer clears his throat and intones dramatically<< From: Capt. Loren of the You Filthy Whore. To: Capt. Spike of the Just Try And Catch Me, Pigs! My old friend, as per usual, everthing goes well on the business side of my end. The local authorities have recieved their customary bribes and "gratuities", and demand for the rum is at an all time high. These bluenose prudes in the States who refuse to recognize His Majesty are still trying to locate my transmitter to keep me from coordinating our little operation, but that wonderful souped up jammer I got from the KGB "going out of business" (ha ha ha) sale works wonders. Truly a good investment. I hear through the grapevine that the F16 engine you mounted on your ship is giving the cops at your end some real embarrassment! Good show! It sounds like you're having the time of your life! If I know you, you'd still be doing this even without the profits, just to piss them off! And by the profits comment, I don't mean to cast aspersions on your character. I know you're just as gold oriented as I am, so please don't punch me for saying that, next time we meet. Now that the usuals are out of the way, the main reason I'm getting in touch with you is to let you know that a Naval vessel under H.M. Princess Reach has suffered a mutiny. Stop laughing and pay attention, now. They are headed down your way, probably to go on a drunken binge with the locals. Now, I know the first thing you'll think of is the profits, but I must caution you that there will be major military repurcussions. Remember our first rule of business and Cover Your Ass! Do NOT get caught in the middle of this just to make a few extra bucks. We're not as young as we used to be, but we are a lot smarter and sneakier! Princess Reach is a gem, but she can be truly scary when pissed off! Keep your head down and stay out of the lines of fire! All my love to your lovely bride of the week, and to you as well, you rotten bastard. Loren Thank you, your Grace. >>Lokmer bows and backs off to stand with the court attendees<< Posted by: Libertus Apr 20 2004, 10:29 AM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Princess Reach, While on my travels to inspect the Duchy, I received word of a revolt held aboard one of His Imperial Majesty's ships out of Savannah. Your having taken personal responsibility for His Majesty's fleet there, I rest assured that you will take every measure to squash this rebellion and punish all of those involved. We value freedom above all things in the Empire, but such blatant disregard for His Majesty aboard ship's of the Imperial Navy must not be tolerated. I'm not sure about keel-hauling, but any punishment that the Duchess sees fit to hand down will undoubtedly please His Majesty. I anticipate a status update on this situation in the immediate future. If you can not handle this situation, then I will intervene and call upon Sir Fwee of Wherever [He] Happens to Be, Commander of all Imperial Forces in whichever region he happens to be in at any given time, to bring the might of the Imperial Fleet of Virginia to bear on the crew of this rogue vessel of yours. Upon resolution of this important military matter, I also fully expect that you will follow up with our two mischievous Sea Captains to ensure that all proper taxes are being paid in their seemingly clandestined enterprise before they run off with the Emperor's money. Furthermore, it is also my understanding that this information was gathered as a result of an accident involving Creation Science textbooks being delivered for the use of His Majesty's young subjects. The loss of these books pleases me immensely, as I am sure it will please His Majesty once I get word to him. I beseech you to ensure that the children of our part of the realm are taught only the finest scientific knowledge that academia has to offer. Only things supported by empirical evidence should be propagated through His Majesty's Public Schools. Please pass my commendation on to VADM Lokmer for supplying this valuable information, and inform him that I will be monitoring the status of his current evidence of disloyalty in the ranks of his fleet. May the day see many joyous returns for you, my sister, and long live the Emperor! Prince Xpen Posted by: Beowulf Apr 20 2004, 10:49 AM From the Desk of Beowulf, the Supreme Galactic Over Lord Puny Earthlings! Bow before my glory! You have been given the supreme honor of being allowed to join my far reaching Galactic Empire as a slave producing barbaric culture. You will abandon all religions and forms of government and await my Governors and the Ministers of the worship of Beowulf the Imperial God King. Anyone resisting will be assimulated...You have been warned. All Emperors, Dukes, and other barbarian nobility will assemble in from of my Governor's throne upon his arrival to swear eternal fealty to Myself, the Great Beowulf.....this seal given on this 10th day of Axotl in the imperial year of 10000.000.000.00 Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 20 2004, 11:05 AM Mighty Beowolf, It deeply saddens Norton II, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, to hear your meager threats. It is hopeful that you shall withdrawl these foolish threats, and offer to deal peacefully with this greatest of nations. If not, we shall be forced to go to war, although it is hoped that a more peaceful solution may come about. I shall wait 24 hours for your answer, and then I shall call a conference of my senior military advisers to deal with this matter. I warn you, Lord Beowolf, the Empire of the United States is NOT to be triffled with. Posted by: Libertus Apr 20 2004, 12:04 PM FROM THE DESK OF HRH PRINCE XPEN, ARCHDUKE OF THE SOUTHEAST Your Imperial Majesty, It is with deep pleasure that I have received news of the stand you have taken against the affront offered us by Lord Beowulf. I know that all of your subjects will receive this as being indicative of the strength which evolution has bestowed upon the defender of our land. Myself and my people of the Southeastern Duchy stand ready to defend the Empire under the esteemed leadership of our Imperial Liege. I, but your humble servant, do stand solidly behind you in this, a time of testing, for the honor of our Mighty Empire! May you live long, and shall our Empire prosper! Prince Xpen P.S. And I am sure, Your Majesty, that Sir Fwee of Wherever [He] Happens to Be will stand ready to serve the Empire in whatever form you would call upon him to do so. Posted by: Loren Apr 20 2004, 05:40 PM QUOTE (Beowulf @ Apr 20 2004, 10:49 AM) From the Desk of Beowulf, the Supreme Galactic Over Lord Puny Earthlings! Bow before my glory! You have been given the supreme honor of being allowed to join my far reaching Galactic Empire as a slave producing barbaric culture. You will abandon all religions and forms of government and await my Governors and the Ministers of the worship of Beowulf the Imperial God King. Anyone resisting will be assimulated...You have been warned. All Emperors, Dukes, and other barbarian nobility will assemble in from of my Governor's throne upon his arrival to swear eternal fealty to Myself, the Great Beowulf.....this seal given on this 10th day of Axotl in the imperial year of 10000.000.000.00 From the desk of The Right Honorable Loren, Interspecies and Transdimensional Freelance Ambassador: So... do your troops like Puerto Rican rum, or perchance, Cuban cigars? In the event that your invasion doesn't go quite as you plan, I can also get you a decent price on some quite nice rigged voting machines originally from Florida. Posted by: Cerise Apr 20 2004, 06:23 PM Most High Excellency, my emissaries have sent a gift in honour of your coronation as Emperor of the United States. 52 cases of beer and a shipment of the finest weed the boys and me could scrounge up. Also some fine prostitutes from Montreal (soon to be renamed Ceriseland) shall accompany the shipment. Not only are they talented with their tongues but they can all type 97 words a minute. Just a little token from your friendly neighbors to the North. Sincerely, Cerise the Benevolent, Grand Duchess of Canada Posted by: Reach Apr 20 2004, 09:09 PM Archduke of the Southeast, HRH Prince Xpen, My dearest Brother Xpen, I thank you for your great trust in this most unworthy servant. Rest assured that the blatant disregard for His Majesty aboard ships of the Imperial Navy will never be tolerated and this insurrection will be put down at the earliest possible convenience. As soon as I've finished with this letter to you, I am dispatching Vice Admiral Lokmer to handle this matter in whatever way he most enjoys. You and I have known him for years and he is a most faithful servant of the Emperor as well as long term friend to the House of Xpen. There is no telling what he'll choose, however, for punishment of these rebels, once caught. VADM can be ruthless, at times. Count on that Captain Loren and his cohort Spike to be dealt with in the most severe manner, as object lessons to any who might be planning similar treacheries against His Majesty, our beloved Emperor. Unless you have otherwise assigned Sir Fwee of Wherever [He] Happens to Be, Commander of all Imperial Forces in whichever region he happens to be in at any given time, might he be dispatched to New York to bring our sister Lady Pitchu home? I'd so enjoy a little female companionship at this time. I know she is off with that New Yorker again and I realize that Jewish men make some of the best lovers, but can she not be enticed to come visit for at least a fortnight? Oh please, brother, do what you can to persuade her. I need her here to look into the Creation Science textbooks usage in the schools in Marietta. That city needs to toe the line with the rest of His Majesty's Public Schools. I trust you are well at this season and that you aren't suffering excessively from your allergies. Remember to have your servants refrain from starching your handkerchiefs for the next several weeks. Long live the Emperor! Your faithful sister, Princess Reach House of Xpen Duchess of the Imperial State of Georgia Protectorate of His Majesty's Royal Naval Atlanta Fleet, Savannah ***************************************************************** Friend, please have VADM Lokmer sent for immediately. Ask him if he will present himself here at his earliest possible convenience. Best if he refrains from making such a show of his appearance at this next meeting too, as is his normal flamboyant style. This is a delicate matter and needs to be handled with discretion. >>I wonder if he can truly handle this. I'd hang that Capt. Loren myself if I could get my hands on him.<< Posted by: pitchu Apr 20 2004, 10:40 PM FROM THE BOUDOIR OF LADY PITCHU My dearest sister, Princess Reach, To my astonishment, mere moments ago the conjugal attentions to me of my amazing Jewish lover/husband were summarily interrupted by a courier sent here by Sir Fwee Of Wherever [He] Happens To Be. I was thus informed of all history and background of the formation of a new Empire under the benevolent hand of Emperor Norton II, and of all subsequent appointments, grants, issuances of titles, threats of war, appeasements of threats of war, your troubles in Savannah, and, of course, gifts of Canadian whores. Though these events seem to have occurred with dizzying swiftness, and though the courier, insisting upon my immediate reply, now reads these hastily penned words over my naked shoulder, rest assured that as soon as I am properly corseted, I will hie myself, forthwith, to be at your side. Please inform Sir Fwee that, in future, I should prefer a gentleman courier be sent, and never again this deviate who has set my husband, Lord of Dalton, to pacing vigorously in discontent, whilst placing me in the awkward position of seeming not to notice the small puddle of courier drool forming just above my right clavicle. Expect my speedy arrival! Your loving if slightly damp sister, Lady Pitchu Posted by: SpaceFalcon2001 Apr 20 2004, 11:12 PM רוח כתובים I would request as to a new decree, in line with the actions of the previous emperor, calling for the arrest of George W. Bush for his crimes against the nations resulting in no less than stately and worldly treason. רוח בןיהודי SpaceFalcon2001 Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 20 2004, 11:37 PM From the scratch pad of Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be Prince Xpen, It is with great gratitude that I express the honor of being involuntarily assigned the immense responsibility of being Commander of all Imperial Forces in whichever region I happen to be in at any given time. However, with great disappointment, I inform you that I am unable to command, or even assist, any of the Imperial Forces at this time. Due to the extreme secrecy under which I operate, I am not permitted to disclose my present contribution to the Empire. Hence the name Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be, allows nobody to know where I am at any given time. Most of the time, I don’t even know where I am, but I’m always right there! That’s quite mysterious, isn’t it? Currently, I am involved in the investigation of the cause of the supposedly accidental crash involving the shipment of creation science books. The further the investigation proceeds, the more we are becoming aware that it wasn’t an accident at all. The clues and evidence that we currently have on hand are showing that the limousine was being driven by someone who was hyped-up on Mountain Dew. I’ll keep you posted on any new findings. Princess Reach, I hope that you find my observation and haste in fulfilling your request absolutely astonishing. As per-usual, just rub the lamp three times if my services are required in the future. Lady Pitchu, May you accept my most humble of apologies for the interruption of your erotic escapades? In the future, it will be mandatory that my couriers equip themselves with a stethoscope prior to any further personal correspondences. --------------------------------------------- Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be CSSHHPR Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 21 2004, 04:09 PM QUOTE (Fwee) Currently, I am involved in the investigation of the cause of the supposedly accidental crash involving the shipment of creation science books. The further the investigation proceeds, the more we are becoming aware that it wasn’t an accident at all. The clues and evidence that we currently have on hand are showing that the limousine was being driven by someone who was hyped-up on Mountain Dew. I’ll keep you posted on any new findings. Damn rookies, can't hold their Moose Piss. Next time send a vet like Biggle or myself, we'll make sure whatever we're shippin' gets to its destination whole and on time. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 21 2004, 06:01 PM QUOTE (woodsmoke @ Apr 21 2004, 08:09 PM) QUOTE (Fwee) Currently, I am involved in the investigation of the cause of the supposedly accidental crash involving the shipment of creation science books. The further the investigation proceeds, the more we are becoming aware that it wasn’t an accident at all. The clues and evidence that we currently have on hand are showing that the limousine was being driven by someone who was hyped-up on Mountain Dew. I’ll keep you posted on any new findings. Damn rookies, can't hold their Moose Piss. Next time send a vet like Biggle or myself, we'll make sure whatever we're shippin' gets to its destination whole and on time. ........................ Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 21 2004, 07:47 PM That's it, meeces man, you just keep postin' your cute little emoticons. Pay no attention to--er, nothing. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 22 2004, 12:00 AM From the scratch pad of Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be Prince Xpen, As written in my previous letter, I mentioned that I would keep you posted on any further findings concerning any updates to the case involving the Creation Science textbooks. Our most recent finding leads us to conclusive evidence that the incident involving the limousine and the shipment of Creation Science textbooks was definitely not and accident. As per our initial report, we know that the driver of the limousine, and the textbooks, mysteriously disappeared shortly after the occurrence. Upon further inspection of the interior of the limousine we found several hundred empty Mountain Dew cans along with cat fur, and two hairballs. Our assessment of the empty cans showed that the original print of the Mountain Dew logo had been scraped off using some sort of abrasive material, perhaps steel wool or sandpaper were used, we are not sure which at this time. What we find to be most disturbing, is the fact that a bright red stamp of the letters ‘M’ and ‘P’ were used to replace the removed logos. Now, couple that with the alarming find of several thousands of aluminum can tabs that were discovered in the glove-box and console, and you have very distressing news indeed. All of the mentioned evidence leads us to believe that the driver of the limousine was a member of the Utah based Super-Cult known as The Moose Pissers. Studies have shown that years of indoctrination of said cult, causes the victims of this type of mind-control to experience extreme cases of Excessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), hence the accumulation of can tabs, and the aggressive nature in which the MP stamp is applied. We are currently quite puzzled with the find of the cat fur and two hairballs. Further investigation will be required to determine the source, and relationship to the incident, of these clues. I will make you aware of any further findings. --------------------------------------------- Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be CSSHHPR Posted by: Doug2 Apr 22 2004, 12:06 AM Why does this remind me of the game where in the world in carmen san diego? Posted by: pitchu Apr 22 2004, 05:25 AM NOTE PINNED TO THE FRONT DOOR OF THE DOMICILE OF PRINCESS REACH Dearest sister, You bade me come. I have arrived. Yet you are not responding to my repeated poundings of your door knocker. For your sake, I have, for a fortnight, left my randy husband alone, save for the presence of several housemaids of uncertain decorum. I am sure it is not your intention that I thus put at risk the sanctity of my marriage in order that I may peruse with you your musty maps and impenetrably scrawled battle plans. Yet these circumstances do put me in mind of the general tenor of our relationship throughout our girlhood, wherein you were the favorite of Mother and Father, always the little trail-blazer, the little Joan of Arc, the little heroine, the little favorite of Mother and father, with my place being, always, to follow behind, gratefully picking up for my own reward the shards and traces of your vaunted exploits. Not that I am resentful. You and I have both grown beyond that pettiness. What matter that you are now a revered military leader, entrusted with vast authority, a pet of Emperor Norton II, as you were the favorite of Mother and Father, and I am but an underling at your beck and call, used to sacrificing that which is mine for the greater good of that which is yours? What matter, indeed, for we have grown beyond that, and there are concerns of the new Empire to consider. You will find me sitting in your gazebo with my carpetbag, awaiting you and, as ever it was, your plans, your needs, and your priorities on your timetable. In selfless sisterly love, as Mother and Father had always demanded, I am Lady Pitchu Posted by: Reach Apr 22 2004, 11:38 AM Speaking to Lady Pitchu~ Dear sister please forgive the indescribable rudeness you have experienced at the hands of this pitifully forsaken staff. I must talk to our brother and have him correct this at once. I'm sorry to have called you so suddenly, with no warning, but I was longing for your company and I thought you might be ready for a break from the arms of your Jewish lover/husband. Besides, any man gets tiresome after a season or two, don't you think? I trust you left him in good hands and he might be so involved in his business affairs and charitable activities that he won't have too much time to miss you. Is that possible? The real reason I called you here was not to involve you in that preposterous Creation Science textbooks fiasco. I mean seriously, sis, at our age who cares all that much about one subject from bygone school days? The home and life are the greatest teachers. Ok, how to put this most delicately... hmm... Georgia is a pitifully dull place to live a life in and even though New York affords you a greater variety of pleasing indulgences, I am wondering if we are not much freer than women in chains here in the Kingdom, what with men trying to order us around and run the greater part of our lives. This is what I called you about. What do you think of the idea of getting away from it all and enjoying a little R & R ourselves? I mean even our brother Xpen, at this very moment, having left hearth and home is galavanting around the countryside. The cuss of a man didn't even send word last evening that you would be here, that you were definitely coming, which is why your reception here has been a disaster. If our brother can cut his family ties, albeit temporarily, may we not cut ours? No telling who held his attentions last night! As for you and I... the weather is delightful this time of the year in Puerto Rico. A little R & R in PR suit you? I hear Lady Keko has opened up a new place there... You are the gifted actress and know the theater arts better than the back of your hand. That is not to suggest you would be deceitful to the end that one would be hurt by such deception, but you have been known to pull out a few tricks from up your sleeves. Are you interested in a little getaway with me? How might we accomplish that? Faking a murder is probably a bit excessive this time but what say you of a staged double kidnapping? We simply need a week or two out of the doldrums of this too ordinary life. Of course I leave the final decision and some of the planning to you as the expert. I might have been the favorite of one or two of the family but you are the brilliant and wise one in this house. What say you of my plan? Are you interested? Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 22 2004, 05:54 PM A not-so-secret secret dispatch left beneath the wiper blade on "Sir" Fwee's car Caution, friend; you know not the powers with which you meddle. We of the CBWDS do not take kindly to roguish vagabonds interrupting with the smooth flow of our operations. Consider yourself warned. CBWDS P.S.: The two objects you mistook for hairballs were nothing of the sort. Hairballs do not possess small quivery noses, beady little eyes and long pink tales. Something to consider. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 22 2004, 07:13 PM From the diary of Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be Entry number 124653- Today was a strange day. It has been raining since dawn. Someone left a note on the windshield of my car, but by the time I got to it, it was quite illegible. Posted by: pitchu Apr 22 2004, 07:36 PM OVERHEARD CONVERSATION. (BUT BY WHOM?) As always, Dearest Sister, your conciliatory tone soothes away all that rankled me. You're perfectly right, of course, that it was only one or two members of the family who favored you, and I fear that through the years I've made much of a muchness of the inconsequentiality of those persons being Mother and Father. Great Aunt Sybil was fondest of me, I believe, don't you think so? I base that largely on my being the only one able to approach her with a dinner tray without her attempting to break free of the restraints. Brother Xpen has always had a propensity for excess, and I suppose we'll once again have to forgive his irresponsible -- Oh, wait! My Jewish lover/husband, Lord of Dalton, was to have notified our brother of my journey here! Yes, in my understandable haste, I left this duty to him. Alas! I can but conclude that a game of slap-and-tickle has proved more to his liking! I am stricken! Destroyed! Puerto Rico, eh? A faked murder -- excessive, you say? Then I suppose a real murder definitely won't do. I suppose. Are you certain? I mean to say... there are a few, here and there, who could do with a little being killed. And once in Puerto Rico, quien sabe? Many have escaped notice in lands where is spoken the Espanol. Oh, no, it's beyond considering, A staged kidnapping it is, then. Unless you...? No, kidnapping is best. But... to what use am I to put this vial of hemlock? Hmmm? The Brilliant and Wise One... allow me a modest chuckle, Sister... will need to ruminate on our options... Posted by: Alexy_Lady Apr 22 2004, 08:04 PM QUOTE (pitchu @ Apr 22 2004, 07:36 PM) OVERHEARD CONVERSATION. (BUT BY WHOM?) As always, Dearest Sister, your conciliatory tone soothes away all that rankled me. You're perfectly right, of course, that it was only one or two members of the family who favored you, and I fear that through the years I've made much of a muchness of the inconsequentiality of those persons being Mother and Father. Great Aunt Sybil was fondest of me, I believe, don't you think so? I base that largely on my being the only one able to approach her with a dinner tray without her attempting to break free of the restraints. Brother Xpen has always had a propensity for excess, and I suppose we'll once again have to forgive his irresponsible -- Oh, wait! My Jewish lover/husband, Lord of Dalton, was to have notified our brother of my journey here! Yes, in my understandable haste, I left this duty to him. Alas! I can but conclude that a game of slap-and-tickle has proved more to his liking! I am stricken! Destroyed! Puerto Rico, eh? A faked murder -- excessive, you say? Then I suppose a real murder definitely won't do. I suppose. Are you certain? I mean to say... there are a few, here and there, who could do with a little being killed. And once in Puerto Rico, quien sabe? Many have escaped notice in lands where is spoken the Espanol. Oh, no, it's beyond considering, A staged kidnapping it is, then. Unless you...? No, kidnapping is best. But... to what use am I to put this vial of hemlock? Hmmm? The Brilliant and Wise One... allow me a modest chuckle, Sister... will need to ruminate on our options... By Me! *Listens intentely to onesided conversation. Knocker is in hand, midknock, but shall not fall this day.* I must get to the Emperor and find out what is behind this odd conversation. He shall either be very pleased... or utterly destroyed. Let us hope my efforts aren't in vain. *Replaces the knocker with car and leaves. Destination: Emperor Norton II* Posted by: Baby Eater Apr 22 2004, 08:19 PM Can I enroll as the palace's creature in the walls which serve as a guard dog and sleep in a wooden box? Posted by: Reach Apr 22 2004, 08:28 PM QUOTE (Baby Eater @ Apr 22 2004, 11:19 PM) Can I enroll as the palace's creature in the walls which serve as a guard dog and sleep in a wooden box? Baby Eater, I thought you were the Governess or the Professor at the palace hired to "train up the children in the way they should go." Are you hopped up on something again? Get back to work before I report your laziness to my beloved Emperor. ;-) You are to guard the children. You already know that. Are you complaining about your suite of rooms again? You ungrateful wretch of a dog, you! Posted by: pitchu Apr 22 2004, 08:35 PM Sister, Do you recall the plight of our own over-taxed nanny? Stood in the woods for three days and nights in her white peignoir pretending to be a birch tree? I fear those hired to "train up the children in the way they should go" oft find themselves preferring to sleep like a dog in a wooden box. Posted by: Lokmer Apr 22 2004, 09:29 PM ***Phone call overheard between Vice Admiral Lokmer and Princess Reach's answering machine*** Lady Reach, Admiral Lokmer here. I'm sorry to interrupt your afternoon massage with your....umm....renouned sister, but the situation in the Atlanta fleet is getting severe. I can't say much on this machine for security reasons, but the situation is rapidly escalating out of control, and we are getting complaints from some of the...uh...skilled relief laborers in the province of Puerto Rico under the supervision of our mutual friend. The complaints of overwork are the worst I have heard and the reason will, I'm sure, horrify you, although it also presents us with an amazing opportunity if we act quickly. I will be near my secure line the rest of the day, call me as soon as it's convinient. >>>>click<<<<< Posted by: Loren Apr 22 2004, 10:48 PM Somewhere in Puerto Rico, in a brothel called Lady Neko's House of Really Excellent Repute, Captain Spike and Captain Loren are having a conversation in low tones at a table in the back. Spike: "...snuck in the night before and removed the shielding, since it's basically a microwave laser. So when they go to test the damn bowel disruptor the next day, in that all metal room mind you, every single man jack of them shit 'is britches, including the admiral and the secretary of defense! It was a riot! The swabbies who mopped up the test room had to sign secrecy oaths! I'm tellin' ya, brother, you just don't get many chances at a chuckle like that one." Loren: "You know I've heard that story about six times, Spike. Why am I here?" Spike: "Ask Descartes, man, I'm not the one to be asking existential questions of!" Loren: <snort> Spike: "All right, all right. The skinny is that Princess Reach is after your ass. Here, read this." As Loren reads the computer printout, one eyebrow slowly rises. His mouth twitches. In a slightly strained voice, he says, "Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Spike." Spike: "So...?" Loren: "I have an idea." Spike smiles. (Unbeknownst to the two conspirators, a sinister, shadowy figure at the bar has overheard their every word.) Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 23 2004, 01:41 AM From the communiqué archives of Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be Eddy Envoy: Sir, I’ve arrived at the home of Lady Pitchu. Sir Fwee: Well it’s about time! What took so long? Eddy Envoy: I stopped to get something to eat. Sir Fwee: How long did that take? Eddy Envoy: About 45 minutes, maybe an hour. Sir Fwee: Holy crap! What did you have, a side of beef? Eddy Envoy: No Sir, just lousy service. Sir Fwee: Oh, ok! Proceed with the mission. Get that vial of Hemlock. Eddy Envoy: How am I supposed to do that Sir? Sir Fwee: I don’t care. Just don’t come back until it is in your possession. Eddy Envoy: I see. Sir Fwee: Whatever you do Eddy, don’t disturb Lady Pitchu or Lord of Dalton. You do remember what happened last time don’t you? Don’t let that happen again. Use your stethoscope first! Eddy Envoy: Yeah, how could I forget that? I’m still trying to get the visual out of my mind. It was messy Sir. Really messy! Sir Fwee: Never mind that. Get to work. Eddy Envoy: Roger! <<creeps up to front door-bends down and equips stethoscope-realized how silly he is being for warming the device in his palm prior to use against a door>> Sir Fwee: How’s it going? ……………………Eddy! How’s it going? Do you hear anything? Eddy Envoy: Oh my God Sir! All I can think of now is how I’m going to write up my resignation! Sir Fwee: What? What’s going on? Eddy Envoy: Sir, I’ve never heard anything like this is my entire life! Sir Fwee: Talk to me Ed. What do you hear? Eddy Envoy: I hear slurping. I hear sucking. I hear swallowing accompanied by an occasional low-growl. Some slight whimpering and scratching. Sir Fwee: Holy shit! No kidding? It sounds like those two really know how to get it on, huh? Eddy Envoy: Sir, the funny thing is, I also hear loud snoring. Sir Fwee: Huh? Eddy Envoy: You heard me right, Sir. Sir Fwee: Snoring! You mean,,,,,, she’s doing Lord of Dalton while he’s sleeping? Eddy Envoy: It certainly sounds that way Sir. Sir Fwee: My God! She’s an animal! Eddy Envoy: It certainly sounds that way too, Sir. Sir Fwee: Get the vial, and get out. Remember, if you get caught, your affiliation with the SSHHPR is void. Eddy Envoy: Yes Sir. I’m on it. Well, you know what I mean. Sir Fwee: Wait a minute! Use your optic-cable to see what is going on before proceeding. Eddy Envoy: Yes Sir!,,,,,, <<busts out in what sounds like a desperate attempt to silence a severe wave of laughter>> Sir Fwee: Now what? Eddy Envoy: Those sounds Sir? Sir Fwee: Yeah, what about them? Eddy Envoy: Lady Pitchu’s dog is eating right here next to the door Sir, and it looks like Lord of Dalton is asleep on the couch. I just noticed that Lady Pitchu’s car is gone. Apparently Lord of Dalton is the only one home now. Sir Fwee: Alright then, get to work. Get that vial, and get out. Eddy Envoy: Yes Sir. I’ll see you when I get back. Sir Fwee: Out! Posted by: Cerise Apr 23 2004, 09:24 AM From the desk of Cerise the Benevolent Dear Sir Fwee (of Wherever [You] Happen to Be), it has come to my attention that several of my citizens, while on Pilgrimage to the Temple of the Mighty and Awful Snow Daemons (may their power never diminish), in Colorado were attacked by a gang of militants who call themselves TrueDaemonites. My Minister of Foreign Affairs informs me that this group has accused my citizens of being FalseDaemonites and are holding them captive somewhere near Fraser. Being the benevolent ruler that I am, I would like my people returned to me quickly and these TrueDaemonites to be quelled in their attacks on innocent pilgrims, without involving my somewhat brutal Minister of Defense. Please inform His Excellency that I await his response. Your concerned neighbor to the North, Cerise the Benevolent, Grand Duchess of Canada Posted by: Emperor Norton II Apr 23 2004, 10:18 AM Due to the faithful work of my Royal Vizier, the events that have come about have reached my ears even in these times of intergalactic struggle. Cerise, send a messenger to these TrueDaemonites, informing them their leader has been challenged to a formal debate. If geck wishes not to take part in an intellectual battle to prove gecks validity, a team of ninjas shall be dispatched to deal with the problem. My loyal vassals in the Southern States, my Vizier shall attend to helping you personally. She is well-equiped to deal with these matters of "diplomacy" between traitors. She shall arive in 72 hours. Be prepared for her arrival. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 23 2004, 10:23 PM From the desk of, Sir Fwee of Wherever I Happen to Be To the desk of, Cerise the Benevolent, Grand Duchess of Canada Dear Cerise the Benevolent, Just in case you are not aware of this, it was one of my men who were responsible for bringing this to your attention. Being the Grand Duchess of Canada and everything, I would assume that you are familiar with the history of the battles between the True Daemonites and the False Daemonites. I would also assume that you are aware that these skirmishes have take place throughout the entire history of the Daemonite movement. Until someone can define, exactly, what it is that makes one a true or false Daemonite, our hands are tied. It is with great disappointment that I am unable to bestow the |
| Posted by: Libertus Jan 10 2005, 06:58 AM |
| << The Last time we heard from Prince Libertus, he had recently returned from a long vacation in an undisclosed location and upon his return he decided to call an end to the entire Imperial system. Since that time, things have changed dramatically for the Empire and all its inhabitants. George II has proclaimed himself Holy Emperor of the American Empire and has set to install countless “Faith-Based initiatives” on the Empire’s unwitting subjects. The Archduchy of the Southeast continues to be in deep turmoil, as the Pseudoscience Mafia of Greater Mississippi has ignored all the questions that arose in their ranks as a result of Imperial operations within their Headquarters, and they continue to grow in strength under their new leadership by The Right Reverend Judge Brothers from the Duchy of Alabama. The Archduke has hence appeared from his hiding place to call forth the assistance of the loyal subjects of Norton II, to bring him back to his rightful place, as Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico. >> From the Desk Of HRH Libertus Archduke of the Southeast To: Princess Reach My dearest sister, It has finally come to my attention that we must seek to improve the status of this dissolving Empire before it is too late. His Imperial Majesty must be restored to his rightful place, lest our way of life and all the freedom that it brings with it be destroyed. I ask that you please use your tactical magic, as well as your relationship with the esteemed CAPT Loren, to come up with a plan. I’m not sure as to the current whereabouts of His Majesty, but I will seek the assistance of Sir Fwee of Wherever He Happens to Be, among others, to bring the Emperor on board with what we are seeking to do. In all love and adoration for you, as well as the Empire! Your Brother, Libertus P.S. And yes, I have finally come to grips with the revelation that our family line is amiss with confusion as revealed to me during the hostage crisis of many years past. ************* http://exchristian.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=462 |
| Posted by: Reach Jan 10 2005, 07:35 AM |
| To: Prince Libertus Dearest brother, As much as it behooves me to act upon the best interests of His Royal Majesty, I am surprised at your lack of knowledge of his whereabouts. He is currently matriculating in the State of Indiana and it may take some coercing to bring him out of that den of iniquity amidst the boredom, for if the rumors be correct, he has developed some romantic attachment to a maiden of the fairer sex. Nevertheless, I will attempt to lure him out, by hook or by crook. I hear that the lady goes by the name of Alexy. As to the Captain, he should be returning from the coast shortly and I will put this to him, for his most expert advise and sound wisdom, immediately upon his arrival. He should be able to supply you with some plan or another as long as I can keep him away from his smoking stash. He is in a bit of pain at the moment, suffering from an injury he sustained the other day while performing the most routine of duties. With all due love, respect and tender devotion, Your sister, Lady Reach |
| Posted by: Java Jan 10 2005, 08:06 AM |
| ))Strangely enough, when searching for Emperor Norton on a famous search engine, this page was found in the top ten hits.(( Arg. It's too cold. And snowy. Brrr. This is the peasant Java, quiet advocate of His Imperial Highness in the snowy state of Massachusetts, and sometime resident of the barbarian website 4chan. Did I mention it's cold? Why my heat isn't working I have no idea... But if anyone can find this, someone please leave an email. I worked hard to Moogle-bomb this and I need to do something to help our Emperor. Even if all I can do is send him funky flavors of ramen noodles. Your loyal, and goosebump-covered servant, Java |
| Posted by: Libertus Jan 10 2005, 09:17 AM |
| <Note handwritten on Royal Stationary> From the Desk Of HRH Libertus Archduke of the Southeast You're kidding me! His Majesty has run off with his Royal Vizier!? How this knowledge, which seems by your tone to be so common, has escaped me, I do not know. Perhaps I should have come out of hiding a bit sooner. Surely His Majesty could be persuaded to come forth and take up his Imperial Duty for the sake of his people. It is his initial decree that brought this Empire in to existence in the first place, I know that he would not leave it to be devoured by this "Holy Emperor". I have faith that he will do what is right by his people. Sir Fwee's assistance no longer being necessary for locating the Emperor, I will send him a dispatch to find the Imperial Cat and start devising a plan. Your loving brother, Libertus <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<Secret Dispatch to Sir Fwee of Wherever He Happens to Be delivered via Super Secret Stealth Pigeon 3.5BETA>> Sir Fwee, I wish not to stir you up by presuming to order you about, but I am contacting you on matter of extreme importance. The usurper, this so-called Holy Emperor, is running this Empire into the ground. It is up to us, the loyal subjects of His Imperial Majesty, Norton II, to do something about this. Plans are under development as we speak by some top advisors to reinstate His Majesty to his rightful place. I beseech you, my Knightly friend, to locate Biggles, the Imperial Cat, whom I beg of you not to fight with, and inform him of the Empire's plight. We must put our petty, or not-so-petty, differences aside for the sake of our beloved empire. I am not sure where Biggles may be found. I did hear a rumor once that he had travelled through Canada at one time. Perhaps you could seek out Cerise the Benevolent, the Grand Duchess of Canada, for her assistance. She has always been a dear friend to the Emperor, so I am sure that she will assist in any way that she can. If you require anything or if you have any ideas for a course of our undertaking, please communicate back via the attached Pigeon. Goodspeed to you good knight, if not, then get a faster car. Prince Libertus <<End Message>> |
| Posted by: Fweethawt Jan 11 2005, 12:28 AM |
| <<<mumbling, and barely conscious during a drunken stupor>>> ...oh the hell of it all!... From whence cometh madness? <<aarrgurgle>> 'tis a seemingly bleek antipast indeed... oH light, where art thou in time of my greatest need?... <<burp>> GET OUT! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!!!<<haawk>> No. She wasn't even willing to try... i love her so. You can't go therrre!<<cough-cough-cough>> she didn't understand,,, never knew.<<slurp>> THE VIAL!!... Where did I put that vial?....... not yet... no..... not yet...<<gag>> He-he-he. We shaved the shit out of that damn cat... he-he. ALL OF THAT EVIDENCE DOWN THE DAMN DRAIN!!..... How could I have been so stupid? I trashed it all when the old Decree was ended, and now...... They'd never believe me,,,, they'd never believe me!! He stole the books.... the creation science books........ he was selling them in order to pay for his Moose Piss habit... <<dribble>> The evidence is gone.... why didn't I present it? too much. so much... Oh, she'll be back!!! once she realizes what she lost.... SHE WILL BE BACK DAMMIT!!! Is the parameter clear? Alright then, initiate!<<slobber>> can't think....... keep this channel clear.... DOUGHNUTS!! That's what she wanted! DOUGHNUTS!... 'tis madness. Just once, maybe... oh, okay. Ha! Hemlock... who would have ever thought?......................................................... <<<passes out while singing the lyrics to Beethoven's 5th Symphony in C minor>>> |
| Posted by: Alexy_Lady Jan 11 2005, 01:44 PM |
| <<Written on the Royal stationary in the hand of the Royal Vizier>> My dear Prince Libertus, Thank you for writing and informing me of the uprising of this so called "Emperor." I assure you, this miscreant will not be allowed to overthrow our dear Norton II. I will be meeting with the true Emperor to speak with him about this grevious issue. I realize, of course, that my recent... endeavors... with his highness pulled him away from his duties to the Empire of America. I will be returning the Emperor to his home and insisting that he focus on his Empire. That is, after all, part of his job. Please keep me updated on this imposter, so that I might properly case him and remove him from his false throne with as little problems as possible. Keep in touch, Alexy, Royal Vizier to his highness Emperor Norton II |
| Posted by: Fyrefly Jan 13 2005, 07:56 PM |
| Dispatch to the loyal subjects of the Empire from Countess Fyrefly, f.k.a. Countess Stargazer: Well, sad to say my little plan to take out the Australian government was not a success. Not only did the prime minister survive the bombing of Parliament House (which is now a beautiful pile of rubble in the heart of Canberra), but he has been re-elected, much to the dismay of myself and my constitutents. In addition, my second-in-command, whose name I cannot reveal in the case of this message being intercepted, did not manage to properly stage the Woomera breakout. The detainees were captured and returned to the detention centre within days. However, I am a merciful woman, and have allowed him a second chance. I cannot reveal my location at this time, but I assure you all that it is completely secure. But now I hear that the Unholy Shrub has managed to snag a second term in office. It was not pretty when I discovered the news, let me tell you now. If there is any way I can help, let me know and I will be most happy to oblige my services. Until next time, this is Countess Fyrefly of the Commonwealth of Australia signing off. |
| Posted by: Libertus Jan 18 2005, 07:35 AM |
| From the Desk Of HRH Libertus Archduke of the Southeast In celebration and recognition of the appointment of His Imperial Holiness, George II, to rule over the Empire, I have hereby altered my allegiance. The pretender, the so-called Emperor Norton II, has been dethroned. The Empire will henceforth be guided in love and in all righteousness to its eternal destiny. May all of my dear subjects in the Southeast bow their knee to His Imperial Holiness and follow him in all civility and gladness. Placed under my hand this 18th Day of January, 2005! Libertus of the House of Xpen |
| Posted by: Reach Jan 18 2005, 11:37 AM |
| Reach, reading her brother Libertus' decree for the Southeast region... I wonder what, on earth, he can possibly be thinking... I wonder if Java might be available for... What do we do now? The preachers will be back on the street corners within the hour. |
| Posted by: Libertus Jan 26 2005, 11:11 AM |
| <A well-dressed News-anchor appears on the screen of someone's Television> This is a Special Bulletin from the Independent News Network. There is news coming out of Xpen Palace, the seat of the Archduchy of the Southeast, that earlier this morning, Prince Libertus, the Archduke, was felled by an assassin's bullet. Authorities in the Archduchy believe this to be the work of Norton Loyalists who were bereaved by the apparent defection of His Royal Highness to join the ranks of the Holy Emperor. Evidence coming out of the Archduchy Investigative Services today show that the Prince was walking to the Royal Broadcasting Center to deliver a speech that he carried in a folder on his person. The full text of the speech has not yet been released, but a Palace spokeswoman indicated that the speech was an emergency message from the Prince to explain that he had just escaped from a violent kidnapping by agents of the Holy Emperor who had been holding him for the past two weeks. The spokeswoman also went on to say that the Prince's speech was intended to point out to his people that the declaration previously released under his seal was a forgery intent on breaking apart the loyal Empire under Norton II, and to declare his continued loyalty to His Imperial Majesty, Norton II. The Palace is expected to release the speech at a later time, and is currently preparing for the changeover of Archduchy and family leadership to Her Royal Highness, Reach, the new Archduchess of the Southeast. This is a sad, sad day for the House of Xpen and for the entire Archduchy of the Southeast. Now, to Bob for a quick update on the game before we take you back to regular programming.... <A thunderstorm knocks out the power and the TV goes off.> |
| Posted by: Libertus Jan 28 2005, 02:31 AM |
| Due to lack of interest, the new ID attempt has been merged with the old stuff. THE END |