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| Posted by: sexkitten Oct 14 2004, 05:07 PM |
| Printable Version of Topic Click here to view this topic in its original format ExChristian.Net Open Forums > Humor and Satire > Bad Jokes Posted by: sexkitten Apr 13 2004, 08:57 AM 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? ~~~ Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? ~~~ Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? ~~~ They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? ~~~ You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? ~~~ Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? ~~~ Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? ~~~ A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? ~~~ Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? ~~~ Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? ~~~ Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? ~~~ Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? ~~~ Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? ~~~ A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? ~~~ Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? ~~~ Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? ~~~ Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? ~~~ Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? ~~~ Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? ~~~ The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? ~~~ Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer, And a Bad Skydiver? ~~~ A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, "Damn!" And, A Bad Skydiver Goes "Damn!" Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? ~~~Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Posted by: SyrioForel Apr 13 2004, 10:03 AM ouch ! I feel ashamed for having laughed Here's one from Monty Python: Q: "Whats brown and sounds like a bell ?" A: "Duuuuuuuunnnnng !" Posted by: Skankboy Apr 13 2004, 11:02 AM What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? 'Ell-iph-i-no! (you really have to sound it out...) And the ever popular "no arms, no legs" jokes: Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? A: Bob. Posted by: biggles7268 Apr 13 2004, 01:05 PM LOL those are some good ones Posted by: woodsmoke Apr 13 2004, 11:22 PM Man, those are great. Now I have to go beat myself up for laughing at them. Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 14 2004, 12:10 AM How about this one? There was this guy who had a dog with no legs. The dog's name was cigarette. Every single day, his master would take him out for a drag! I know! That's just wrong, and mean, and maybe even more wronger and more meaner. This is the bad jokes thread, right? Posted by: Lokmer Apr 14 2004, 05:09 AM Quick No arms-no legs joke index: Men: Sitting in a hot tub: Stu Sitting on the porch: Matt Water skiing: Skip Hanging on the wall: Art In a mailbox: Bill Living on a pot farm: Bud Two guys hanging over a window: Curt and Rod In a pile of leaves: Russle Women: Sitting atop a fence: Barb And finally: What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. Posted by: Joshua Apr 14 2004, 07:25 PM How tasteless can we get? If this is too tasteless don't hesitate to remove it. What's the definition of never ending love? Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis. Posted by: chrome Apr 14 2004, 07:33 PM Woman with one leg: Eileen Posted by: Fweethawt Apr 15 2004, 12:38 AM QUOTE (Joshua @ Apr 14 2004, 11:25 PM) How tasteless can we get? If this is too tasteless don't hesitate to remove it. What's the definition of never ending love? Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis. That was absolutely tasteless! I hope somebody does remove it 'cause, that will at least make us aware of one person who doesn't have a sense of humor! Posted by: sexkitten Apr 15 2004, 07:36 AM QUOTE (Joshua @ Apr 14 2004, 07:25 PM) How tasteless can we get? If this is too tasteless don't hesitate to remove it. What's the definition of never ending love? Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis. LOVE IT! Posted by: biggles7268 Apr 15 2004, 02:09 PM Washington, April 11, 1916 - National Insecurity Advisor Cottmeelyin Twyce testifed before a congressional committee today about last year's sinking of the ocean liner Lusitania. Some excerpts follow: "There was no way we could have seen it coming, despite that big memo the month before. I think it was titled 'German U-Boats to Sink Ships Travelling to England.' That was merely historical information based on old reporting. No one could have seen that coming." "Fighting German U-Boats has always been the top priority of this administration. Out of 100 security briefings since he came to office, two have been about German U-Boats, wow! President Wilson was tired of swatting flies, he was waiting for the right time to do more. Really, he was just about to do something big, but I can't say what, that's classified." "The Taft administration did not leave us with a plan, merely a series of actionable items in a document." "In a world at war, with Germany threatening ships on the high seas all the time, how could we be expected to foresee an attack on ships on the high seas. There was no silver bullet that could have prevented this tragedy." After the hearing, White House spokesman Cott Mistellin commented about reports the US is bogged down in Mexico when it should be preparing for the war in Europe, "No one could have foreseen Pancho Villa's raid, or guarded against it. Our army is not bogged down in Mexico, we're bringing democracy and all the Mexicans love us, really. It's actually part of the war against German U-Boats, the information's all there. President Wilson's bold move against Pancho Villa is not about US interests in Mexico, it's about the war on U-Boats. If we even make a plan to leave Mexico at any future date the U-Boats will have won. Only Wilson can protect you from U-Boats, just like he did last year. Fighting U-Boats was his top priority since coming to office, although the evidence of that is all classified." Posted by: biggles7268 Apr 15 2004, 02:13 PM TODAY'S RIDDLE: How can you make the following equation true by drawing only one straight line: 5+5+5=550 [answer is at the bottom] ============================= Subject: Instructions on how to clean your toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog ============================= Senator Hillary Clinton, at a party, walked up to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and told him, "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink." Schwarzenegger replied, "If you were my wife, I would drink it." ============================= My friend is in the auto-repair business. One day, a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "Bring it right in." A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit. "Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit." She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?" ============================= My mother says she never holds grudges but then will blindside you with something that happened years ago. Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me on your birthday." And I was like, "Which birthday was that?" So she replied, "The first one. You have a really big head, you know." ============================= Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength. ________________ I used to be a heavy gambler but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind _________________ I tend to sleep in the nude which isn't a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights across the country. ============================= RIDDLE ANSWER: Draw a line on the first plus sign. This turns it into a 4! The equation then becomes true: 545+5=550 Posted by: biggles7268 Apr 15 2004, 02:43 PM A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business, and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the black baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice who did it to me." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was possibly going to bark." Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com) © Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com) |